| Dear Diary Authored by Kevin Weishaar - January 26, 2005 - 3:15 pm
| Current Featured Columns | | Merry Christmas, Raptors Fans The Raptors might not be playing good basketball right now, but there are plenty of things for Toronto fans to be thankful for this holiday season.
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The following is my account of the Minnesota Timberwolves game. Consider me the annoyingly witty friend that you wish would just watch the game. If you know me, then it will feel like you were there.
-Pretip As the team captains meet at center court for a charity autograph signing I am struck by how serious Kevin Garnett is in contrast to Ray and Ra as they laughed and bopped to “Do your Thang” It doesn’t seem like the focused athlete getting amped up to perform look that you hear describing KG’s pregame ritual. He looks more like he has to take a midterm and he just got his cheat sheet taken away. I get the distinct feeling the reigning MVP has a lot on his mind and shoulders these days. As his Velociraptor head lowers to the outstretched hands of some frightened 4th graders I feel like they are about to be eaten.
-Minnesota pregame ritual: Stand in a line while Kevin Garnett paces, grimaces and punches stuff. Sonics pregame ritual: Forgo over half of the individual introductions to stand together in a 12 man huddle.
-God this is hard not to clap. As a member of the press you are strictly forbidden from displaying any amount of joy throughout the game. Now I can see how shouting things like, “Hey Spree how are you gonna feed your kids bricks?” could hinder my appearance of objectivity, but being ejected from a game for a polite golf clap after a Jerome James dunk would seem a little excessive.
-Favorite part of the media guide: The first page shows how to say the player names so that you know Sam Cuh-SELL is spelled Cassell while Trenton HASS-le is also spelled Hassell.
-Second favorite part of the media info: The play by play sheets handed out in between quarters. I wonder if the guy responsible for logging every play is tempted to follow STEAL by James with TRIPS over own feet.
-I think I have solved the cause for the Dr. Broadway and Mr. Kladmanaovic problem that has given us the most inconsistent scorer since Derrick McKee. When he moves without the ball he creates mismatches in the D when they are forced to switch assignments. A slow post player, like Eddie Griffin will get caught outside guarding his motion pull up or a speedy forward will get caught under the basket where he can continue to power through. But, when he stands around picking at his shorts waiting for the ball his shot is hurried.
-Wally Szczerbiak = Dan Majerle 90210 hair, year round tan, questionable ball handling and defense, but a jumper that won’t quit.
-Mateen Cleaves and Robert Swift are way too excited about the inflatable Mr. Magoo that is running around eating children at halfcourt. This, by the way, makes my original comment about eating children wholly insensitive.
While I’m on the subject though, these two need a UPN show. Can you imagine the crime fighting duo that Teen and Swifty would make? With Teen navigating the mean streets of Detroit with a quick wit and occasional dance move and Robert…reaching tall stuff. It would follow Danny Fortson, Troy Hudson and Latrell Sprewell starring in the Parkers. Seriously, I never thought I would see the day where a third of the players on the court would be wearing the Cindy Brady hairstyle.
-The Sonics show some life in the 2nd quarter as Ray scores 10 points in 4 minutes and Vlady again exploits a mismatch as KG slides under the basket and is caught out on the perimeter. Guess I made my point.
-Do guys like Fred Hoiberg, Steve Scheffler, Steve Wojo, and countless others go to the same white guy hustle camps where they learn how to chase down balls, be good sports, and cheer from the bench?
-Crap! Almost clapped again, just because the announcer said, “Give a big hand for the Sonics dance team.” If only girlfriends had PA announcer voices I would have put the toilet seat down all these years.
-Ervin Johnson and Jerome James have to be brothers from the same enormous uncoordinated mother. I would pay to see a head to head mama joke off, inevitably ending in tears.
-The celebrities in attendance: AC Slater, Dan Cortese, Somebody that lost on American Idol and Jared the Subway guy. I would love to make a joke here, but all things considered, this has to be comparable to Dyan Cannon and Spike Lee at this point in all of their careers. Quick quiz: Last thing you did. Watch a Dyan Cannon movie or make a Jared the Subway guy joke? Quick: Can you sing the first two lines of Saved by the Bell or name the last two Spike Lee movies? See, I win again.
-Flat foot Vlady just swished three of his patented shorts picking threes. Damn, not always right.
-Reggie versus Trenton Hassel looks like Koopa battling Donkey Kong in Mario Kart.
-If Troy Hudson played through the playoffs last year Michael Olowakandi, would have a championship ring.
-You can see the crowd create intensity sometimes. After a wide open Luke three and a Ray reverse hanging dunk the Sonics defense begins to swarm KG like their life depends on it. A quadruple team seems excessive though.
-Almost clapped again. Wally traveled.
-I can’t figure out what the T-Wolves are doing. There are four Sonics in the lane at all times. Why are they not attempting an outside shot? Szczerbiak is driving the lane every possession. Troy Hudson is on the bench?! Its like they forgot that they shot 65% in the first half.
-Reggie bricks more free throws than anyone in history. It’s either a make or a clank.
-Wally Szczerbiak slams the ball at midcourt like he just got kicked out of the white guy hustle camp.
-Wally is booed every time he touches the ball and my faith in Seattle fans is restored. Oh to participate.
-Jerome James is the most athletic player on the court…is five words that I thought I would never say, but after three dunks a sky hook, two steals, and a lay up where he was fouled hard this is all I can say.
The Sonics lost the game, but I am encouraged by the fact that after trailing by ten for the entire game they still managed to put together a run with 2:00 minutes remaining. My only disappointment of the night was in my inability to fire questions at naked men. But, later that night in my own element (the club) I ran into Ray Allen and Mario Lopez. As everyone there swarmed and pointed at Mario I was able to steal a few minutes with Ray. I found him to be warm, friendly and a little overwhelmed by Slatermania. We talked briefly about the game where nothing more could be said than the shots weren’t falling. I implored him to stay beyond this year and allowed him to get back to his Crown Royal. All in all a great Seattle night.
(As always I can be reached via email at ChronicSonics@gmail.com)
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